Jokes

Catskills on the Beach contest

Last week Easy Reader invited readers to submit their favorite jokes. The person submitting the best joke would receive tickets for two to the award winning "Catskills on Broadway," which opens Tuesday, May 1 at the Wilshire Theater.

The winning joke, in the true tradition of the Catskills and vaudeville, is as old as the hill, but still a great joke, if you have timing.

First Place: The Ugly (fill in the blank)

Three guys die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven -- don’t step on the ducks." So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first guy accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest women he ever saw.

St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly women!"

The next day, the second guy steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn’t miss a thing, and with him is an another extremely ugly woman. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first guy.

The third guy has observed all this, and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly woman, is very, VERY careful where he steps. He manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to him with the most gorgeous woman he has ever laid eyes on…a very voluptuous, tan, curvaceous, sexy blonde. St. Peter chains them together without saying a work. The guy remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?" She says, "I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

-- Larry Yells

Hermosa Beach

Runner-up: A new suit

The funeral director found the elderly woman weeping beside her husband’s casket.

"Can I help, madam?"

"I don’t think so. He always wanted to be buried in a nice blue suit, but I only had his tan work clothes. The corpse in the next coffin has a beautiful suit and no mourners. Life is so unfair!"

The director was touched. The widow left and said she’d return in a couple hours.

On her return she was directed to her husband’s coffin. She clapped her hands.

"Does that please you, madam?"

"Oh, yes! You have him in the lovely blue suit! How kind! I hope it wasn’t too much trouble."

"Not at all, madam" the director answered, "I just changed heads"

--Bernice McMahon, Hermosa Beach

Runner-up: Another blond joke (pre-PC)

A blond walked into a department store and looking for a pair of alligator shoes. She finds a pair for $800 and the salesman tells her that these are real alligator shoes and how great they would look on her. But can’t afford them.

She walked out of the store and got into her car and took off down the road. The salesman left for the day and was driving down the road when up ahead he heard a gun go off. Then he saw someone picking something up and throwing it aside. He realized it was the blond from earlier in the day.

He got out of this car and rushed over to her just as she shot her gun off again. He asked, are you all right? What is going on?

He saw two dead alligators behind her. She said, "I’m am fine, but this is the third one without shoes.

--JoAnn Smith